"I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity."

"Damn. It's all fucked. The world's fucked up man. Michael Jackson lost his mind. What the hell is wrong with Michael? Another kid? Another kid?? I thought it was groundhog day when I heard that shit. Another kid. Get the fuck out of here. That's how much we love Michael. We love Michael so much, we let the first kid slide."

"The whole world's going crazy....Siegfried and Roy....the tiger bit the man in the head, and everybody's mad at the tiger, talking about "the tiger went crazy"... that tiger didn't go crazy, that tiger went tiger! You know when the tiger went crazy? When the tiger was riding around on a little bike with a Hitler helmet on."

"One thing I don't like about America is that we got a really bad drug policy...the government always says "drugs are illegal because they're bad for you, and we're trying to protect society", but the government don't give a fuck about your safety, they sell guns at Walmart, they don't give a fuck about you. The government's like this: they don't want you to use your drugs, they want you to use their drugs...so every night on TV, you see a weird-ass drug commercial trying to get you hooked on some legal shit. And they just keep naming symptoms til they get one that you've got...they say "are you sad? Are you lonely? Have you got athlete's foot? Are you hot? Are you cold? What you got? You want this pill, huh motherfucker?"